Every family is different, with different personalities, customs, and ways of thinking, talking, and connecting to one another. There is no one "right" kind of family. But whether parents are strict or lenient, boisterous or calm, home has to be a place of love, encouragement, and acceptance of their feelings and individuality for kids to feel emotionally safe and secure. It also has to be a source of don'ts and limits.

    Most of us want such an atmosphere to prevail in our homes, but with today's stresses this often seems harder and harder to achieve. From time to time it helps to take stock and think about the changes we could make to improve our home's emotional climate. Here are a few that will.

    1. Watch What You Say
    How we talk to our children every day is part of the emotional atmosphere we weave. Besides giving them opportunities to be open about how they feel, we have to watch what we say and how we say it.

    We often forget how much kids take parental criticisms to heart and how much these affect their feelings about themselves. Psychologist Martin Seligman found that when parents consistently blame kids in exaggerated ways, children feel overly guilty and ashamed and withdraw emotionally. Look at the difference between "Roger, this room is always a pigsty! You are such a slob!" and "Roger, your room is a mess today! Before you go out to play, it has to be picked up."

    One way tells Roger he can never do anything right. The other tells him exactly what to do to fix things so he can be back in his mom's good graces and doesn't suggest he has a permanent character flaw. For criticism to be constructive for children, we have to cite causes that are specific and temporary.

    Another constructive way to criticize children is to remind them of the impact their actions have on us. This promotes empathy rather than resentment.

    2. Provide Order and Stability
    A predictable daily framework, clear and consistent rules, and an organized house make kids -- and parents -- more relaxed and comfortable, and that means everyone has emotional equilibrium. When conflicts, tensions, or crises occur, the routine is a reassuring and familiar support, a reliable strand of our lives that won't change.

    Think about your mornings. Do your kids go off to school feeling calm and confident? Or are they upset and grumpy?

    What about evenings and bedtime? Do you have angry fights over homework or how much TV children can watch? A calm bedtime routine is one good antidote for the dark fears that surface when kids are alone in bed with the lights turned out.

    Yet a routine that's too inflexible doesn't make room for kids' individual temperaments, preferences, and quirks.
    Make Quality Time a Priority

    3. Hold Family Meetings
    Time together is at such a premium in most households that many families, like the Martins, hold regular family meetings so everyone can air and resolve the week's grievances as well as share the good things that happened.

    When the Martins gather on Friday night, they also take the opportunity to anticipate what's scheduled for the week ahead. That way they eliminate (mostly!) those last-minute anxieties over whether someone has soccer shoes for the first practice, the books for a report, or a ride to a music lesson.

    4. Encourage Loving Feelings
    Everyday life is full of opportunities to establish loving connections with our kids. Researchers have found that parents who spend time playing, joking with, and sharing their own thoughts and feelings with their kids have children who are more friendly, generous, and loving.

    After all, giving love fosters love, and what convinces our kids that we love them more than our willingness to spend time with them? Many parents say that often they feel most in tune emotionally with their kids when they just hang out together -- sprawling on the bed to watch TV, walking down the block together to mail a letter, talking on long car rides when kids know they have a parent's complete attention. At these times the hurt feelings and the secret fears are finally mentioned.

    Part of encouraging loving feelings is insisting that kids treat others, including siblings, with kindness, respect, and fairness -- at least some of the time. In one family, kids write on a chart in the kitchen at the end of each day the name of someone who did something nice for them.

    5. Create Rituals
    Setting aside special times of the day or week to come together as a family gives children a sense of continuity -- that certain feelings stay the same even as the kids change and grow. For many families, like my friend Frances', that means regularly observing religious rituals. To her family, Sunday morning means going to Mass and having hot chocolate afterwards at the town café. Others create their own rituals to anchor the week. Michael's family celebrates with a regular Scrabble and pizza party every Friday night; Dawn's goes to the movies. Holiday rituals give children points in the year to look forward to.

    6. Handle Challenges With Compassion
    Home life today is not always stable and secure. Even the best marriages have fights, economic woes, emotional ups-and-downs. Parents divorce, stepfamilies form, and these changes challenge the most compassionate parents. But troubles are part of the human condition. Loving families don't ignore them -- they try to create a strong emotional climate despite them.

    In handling parental conflicts, for example, we can let kids know when everything has been resolved, as Denise and Peter did after a loud dispute in the kitchen during which voices were raised and tears flowed. After making up, they explained to their kids, "Sometimes we disagree and lose our tempers, too. But now we've worked it out. We're sorry that you overheard our fight."

    7. Schedule Parent-Only Time
    Parents are the ones who create a home's atmosphere. When we're upset about how much money we owe, worried about downsizing at the company where we work, or angry at a spouse, that charges the emotional atmosphere in ways kids find threatening. As one friend said plaintively, "Parents need special time, too." Taking a long walk together to talk without our kids may go a long way to soothe worries and regular "parent-only" dates help us reexperience the love that brought us together in the first place.

    每個(gè)家庭都有不同之處,不同的個(gè)性,不同的習(xí)慣,不同的思維方式,不同的談話方式,以及相互間不同的溝通方式。不能說哪一種家庭的生活方式是“正確”的。不過，無論家長嚴(yán)厲還是寬容，暴躁還是文靜，家都必須是充滿愛、充滿鼓勵、充滿對孩子的情感和個(gè)性信任的地方，是讓孩子從心理上感到安全可靠的地方。那里還必須有規(guī)矩和準(zhǔn)則。

    我們大都希望有這樣的家庭環(huán)境，但是由于面臨如今的各種壓力，這樣的愿望越來越難實(shí)現(xiàn)。有時(shí)，這種壓力有助于讓我們考慮到現(xiàn)實(shí)狀況，并盡可能想辦法做些改變，進(jìn)而改善家庭氣氛。下面是幾條改善家庭氣氛的方法。

    １．注意和孩子說話的方式

    每天和孩子說話的方式是營造情感環(huán)境的一部分。此外，要給孩子敞開心扉的機(jī)會，就必須選擇好要說的話，并注意表達(dá)的方式。

    我們常常忽視孩子內(nèi)心是多么在意家長的批評，忽視這些批評對他們的感情影響有多大。心理學(xué)家馬丁·塞利格曼發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)家長總是過份地責(zé)備孩子時(shí)，孩子們會感到特別內(nèi)疚，特別慚愧，情緒上就會非常冷漠。請看這兩種說話方式的區(qū)別： “羅杰，這房間總是像豬窩！你真是個(gè)懶漢！”“羅杰，你的房間今天太亂了！你必須收拾好再出去玩！”

    第一種是告訴羅杰他總是什么也做不好。另一種是告訴他到底該怎樣整理房間才能讓媽媽重新喜歡他，而不會讓他感到自己有改不了的品質(zhì)缺點(diǎn)。為了讓批評有益于孩子，我們必須說出具體而有針對性的原因。

    另一種對孩子有益的批評方式是讓他們知道他們的行為對我們的影響。這樣做能激發(fā)同情心而不是怨恨。

    ２．讓家里保持整齊

    每天看到家里始終保持干凈整齊，井然有序，能讓孩子們——和家長們——感到更加輕松愉快，這也意味著大家都有個(gè)平靜的好心情。每當(dāng)產(chǎn)生爭執(zhí)、情緒緊張或者發(fā)生危機(jī)感，秩序井然的家庭就是獲得親人安慰，得到親人支持，永遠(yuǎn)不會改變的可依賴的生活港灣。

    想想早晨的情形。你的孩子們?nèi)ド蠈W(xué)的時(shí)候，是心情平靜，充滿信心，還是脾氣暴躁，心煩意亂？

    那么晚上和臨睡前又怎么樣呢？你是否會因作業(yè)和看電視的多少和孩子慪氣呢？臨睡前保持平和心境的習(xí)慣，能驅(qū)散孩子關(guān)燈后獨(dú)自睡覺時(shí)產(chǎn)生的黑暗恐懼心理。

    不過，過于刻板的習(xí)慣不利于孩子個(gè)人氣質(zhì)、個(gè)人興趣和個(gè)人特性的形成。

    優(yōu)先創(chuàng)造和家人相聚的機(jī)會

    3．召開家庭會議

    許多家庭高度重視家人相聚的時(shí)光，比如馬丁家就定時(shí)召開家庭會議，讓大家說出一周的煩惱，從而解除煩惱，同時(shí)分享快樂。

    馬丁一家周五晚上聚在一起的時(shí)候，還借機(jī)提前安排好下周要做的事情。這樣一來，就消除（大部分地）了反復(fù)考慮某人是否有參加第一次訓(xùn)練的球鞋，是否有做報(bào)告要用的書，或者是否有去聽音樂課的車引起的焦慮。

    4．培養(yǎng)愛心

    日常生活中和孩子們建立愛的聯(lián)系的機(jī)會俯拾皆是。研究者發(fā)現(xiàn)，家長花時(shí)間和孩子一起玩，一起開玩笑，共同分享自己的思想感情，其孩子們會表現(xiàn)的更友好、更寬容，更富愛心。

    總之，獻(xiàn)出愛心能培養(yǎng)愛心。還有什么能比我們愿意花時(shí)間和他們在一起，更能讓孩子們相信我們愛他們？許多家長說，和孩子們一起廝混的時(shí)候——趴在床上看電視，一起走過街區(qū)去寄信，長途旅行時(shí)一路聊著天，感到心情特別好，這時(shí)，孩子知道他們得到了家長的全心注意。這些時(shí)候，受傷的感覺和隱藏的恐懼就都被說出來了。

    堅(jiān)持讓孩子體貼、尊敬、公平地對待他人，包括兄弟，也是培養(yǎng)愛心的一部分——至少在有些時(shí)候。有一個(gè)家庭，孩子們每天結(jié)束時(shí)，都要在廚房的圖表上寫上為他們做了好事的人的名字。

    5.培養(yǎng)良好的習(xí)慣

    確定一天或一周內(nèi)某一特定時(shí)間家人相聚，傳給孩子們的是持之以恒的觀念 ——即使孩子們長大了，變化了，這種特別的感覺也不會改變。對許多像我的朋友弗朗西絲那樣的家庭來說，家人相聚就意味著定期的宗教儀式。對她家來說，星期日上午就是去做彌撒，之后在鎮(zhèn)上小餐館吃熱巧克力。其他人家也有自己一周內(nèi)固定的相聚習(xí)慣。邁克爾家每周五晚上都要?dú)g快地玩拼字游戲，吃比薩餅；道恩家去看電影。過節(jié)的習(xí)慣使孩子們在一年里都有了盼頭。

    6．懷著同情心處理爭端

    如今的家庭生活不總是穩(wěn)定而安全的。即使最完美的婚姻也會有爭執(zhí)，有經(jīng)濟(jì)困難，有情感的困擾。在父母離婚，有繼父（繼母）的家庭，這些變化考驗(yàn)著最富同情心的家長。煩惱是人類生活的一部分。充滿愛心的家庭不會忽視這一點(diǎn)——盡管有煩惱，他們?nèi)耘�力�?chuàng)造良好的心理環(huán)境。

    在處理父母爭執(zhí)的問題上，比如，當(dāng)一切問題都解決了的時(shí)候，我們可以讓孩子們知道，就像德妮絲和彼得在廚房涕淚交流大聲爭吵之后那樣做。他們兩人和解之后，對孩子們解釋說：“有時(shí)我們也會意見不同，發(fā)脾氣。不過，現(xiàn)在我們已經(jīng)解決了。很抱歉讓你們聽到了我們的爭吵。”

    7.安排家長獨(dú)處的時(shí)間

    父母是營造家庭氣氛的人。當(dāng)我們?yōu)榍妨硕嗌馘X而煩惱，為就職的公司要裁員而焦慮，或生配偶的氣時(shí)，就會產(chǎn)生壓抑的家庭氣氛，使孩子感到威脅。正如一個(gè)朋友哀怨地說：“家長也需要獨(dú)處的時(shí)間。”一起散散步，在沒孩子的地方談?wù)勑�，有助于緩解焦慮，而固定的“家長獨(dú)處”日有助于我們重新體驗(yàn)當(dāng)初使我們走到一起來的愛的感覺。