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A few weeks ago, Jane Wilcox and her live-in boyfriend had a blowout argument over a kitchen sponge that was left in the sink. There was ranting and accusations of shoddy housekeeping. He packed a bag and prepared to spend the night in a second home on their property. She called one of her boyfriend's buddies and asked him to come over and calm him down.
When the pal arrived, the two men took beers out to the porch. 'They sat huddled together like they were planning a NATO conference,' says Ms. Wilcox, 52, who lives in the mountains outside of Phoenix. 'I would watch and see them both nod, as if they understood each other. One would lean back and take a heavy sigh, the other would follow suit. Then they'd huddle into each other again.'
The topic of their big discussion? Motorcycle oil.
It's no big secret that men don't share their emotions easily. Numerous research studies -- and millions of baffled women -- can attest to that.
But is it really so harmful if men want to keep their feelings hidden? And don't women share too much, yammering on about their husbands to friends, co-workers and sometimes even strangers?
The answer to both questions is an emphatic yes.
Men and women could learn a thing or two from each other about when to talk about problems in their marriages or romantic relationships. It might help for men to reveal more to others outside the relationship -- and for women to zip it a bit more.
There are deep-rooted reasons why we share the way we do. Men don't want to appear vulnerable. （Why else won't they ask for directions when they're lost?） They are raised to be strong, after all, not to appear sad, scared or needy. Women, by contrast, are taught it's OK to be emotional.
'Women can go to their friends and talk and ask, 'Does he love me? What do you think?'' says Charles T. Hill, a professor of psychology at Whittier College in California. 'If men went to their friends and said, 'Do you think she loves me?' they would say to get a grip.'
Men also may clam up to protect their wives or significant others, worrying that their buddies might be insensitive, gossip or think less of their partners. They also may not want to get themselves wound up because it's hard for them to wind down.
Or, as a male friend of mine puts it: 'Men don't talk about their feelings with themselves, let alone other men. They usually have something to feel guilty about, even if it's just a bad thought or flirtation, so why look too closely?'
Biology plays a part, too. Scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, have shown women respond to stress by releasing oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that produces a calming effect and helps them bond with children and others. Estrogen enhances its effects. （Men, too, release oxytocin in response to stress, but male hormones minimize its effects.）
Women don't need a study to confirm that they feel better from talking over their problems. Sure, they may get an oxytocin boost. But they know they will also receive empathy, possible solutions and maybe even a reality check.
Sometimes in the middle of an argument with her husband of 26 years, Marina Kamen, 50, who lives in New York, will go online and chat with a friend on Facebook, or even with a stranger on a Web site for working moms. She believes that this prevents the quarrel from escalating, and that it can help her put her life in perspective.
'Many single women will tell me, 'It's hard out here. Do you think you will find someone better?'' says Ms. Kamen, who, with her husband, owns a business that produces motivational fitness recordings and music with her husband. 'Then we will get in a dialogue about what my husband is like and all his good qualities.'
Her husband, Roy, 56, says he tends not to discuss his marriage with his friends. 'It's a guy thing,' he says.
He's not alone. In many cases, men wait until it's too late to ask for support or advice from their friends about serous relationship issues. 'Men will talk when there's nothing left to lose,' says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist in San Rafael, Calif. By not opening up earlier, she says, they miss out on a chance to garner support -- or even just a little reassurance that others have been there, too.
Julius Nagy, a 48-year-old father of five who is going through a divorce, says he rarely talked to friends about financial troubles in his 16-year marriage, both to appear strong and to avoid conflict. Because he had no emotional outlet, he often ended up in yelling matches with his wife, which only exacerbated their problems, he says.
'The big reason it didn't work in the end is that I kept bottling this up,' says Mr. Nagy, a former product developer in the bedding industry who lives in Winston-Salem, N.C. His wife couldn't be reached for comment.
Tony Dye's 24-year marriage had problems for years, but only recently -- now that he's getting a divorce -- has he started to tell his friends what's really going on: He's been having an affair.
'I think that exposing what's been going on in my life and getting some feedback earlier would have helped,' says Mr. Dye, 54, an information-technology consultant in Atlanta. 'I've had guys in the last year very lovingly beat me up over this relationship, saying, 'Tony, you can't have anything to do with her. You need to be working on things with your wife.'' His wife couldn't be reached for comment.
You should be judicious about where you turn for help, if you seek it outside of your relationship. Talk too much, and your words may come back to haunt you.
Just ask Kimberly, a 42-year-old mom in the Midwest who asked that her last name not be used. When her marriage hit a rough patch last year, she complained to everyone she could find: her mom, friends, co-workers, housekeeper, husband's best friend and two radio stations.
She says the attention was a relief -- at the time. But now that she and her husband have patched up their problems, they have a new one: Some of the people she carped to have ostracized her husband.
'It's an awkward situation,' Kimberly says. 'To this day, he's not comfortable around my family.'
Jane Wilcox, of the sponge spat, wonders if she shouldn't talk less, too. While her boyfriend and his buddy debated the virtues of synthetic versus natural bike oils, she called a girlfriend and analyzed every detail of the fight she had had with him. 'What they had accomplished in 20 minutes took us two hours,' says Ms. Wilcox, whose boyfriend could not be reached for comment.
The next morning, her boyfriend met her in the kitchen and offered her a cup of coffee. 'End of subject. End of tantrum. No apology. No talk. It's as if the entire incident had not happened,' she says.
'But he did change the oil in his bike to synthetic. It runs much smoother now.'
Have you ever shared too much -- or not enough -- about your marriage?
幾個(gè)星期前，簡(jiǎn)？威爾科克斯（Jane Wilcox）和她的同居男友因?yàn)榉旁趶N房水槽里的一塊兒洗碗布大吵了一架。他們兩個(gè)大喊大叫，指責(zé)對(duì)方不會(huì)持家過(guò)日子。她的男友收拾好東西，準(zhǔn)備在他們房子的另一個(gè)房間過(guò)夜。她給男友的一位好朋友打電話，請(qǐng)他來(lái)家里勸勸男友，讓他冷靜冷靜。
那位好友到了以后，兩個(gè)男人拿了幾瓶啤酒坐到了門廊。"他倆緊靠著坐在一起，就像是在計(jì)劃一次北約會(huì)議，"威爾科克斯說(shuō)。威爾科克斯今年52歲，居住在鳳凰城（Phoenix）外的山區(qū)里。"我看到他們兩個(gè)人點(diǎn)著頭，似乎彼此非常理解。一個(gè)人往后一靠，長(zhǎng)嘆一口氣，另一個(gè)人也會(huì)跟著做出同樣的動(dòng)作。然后他們又會(huì)緊靠著坐在一起。"
他們大討論的話題？摩托車機(jī)油。
男人們不會(huì)輕易分享他們的情感，這已經(jīng)不是什么秘密了。許許多多的研究──以及成百上千萬(wàn)困惑不已的女人們──可以證明這一點(diǎn)。
不過(guò)，如果男人們想要隱藏他們的情感，真的有那么大的害處嗎？另外，女人們難道不是分享得太多了嗎？她們會(huì)向朋友、同事，有時(shí)候甚至是陌生人抱怨她們的丈夫。
對(duì)這兩個(gè)問(wèn)題的答案顯然都是肯定的。
對(duì)于該在什么時(shí)候談?wù)摶橐龌蚋星閱?wèn)題，男人和女人可以相互學(xué)習(xí)對(duì)方的一些做法。向別人更多地敞開(kāi)心扉對(duì)男人們可能會(huì)有所幫助──而女人們則應(yīng)該適當(dāng)?shù)乇３挚酥啤?/p>
男人和女人分享心事的方式不同還有深層次的原因。男人們不想看上去脆弱不堪。（不然的話，他們迷路的時(shí)候怎么不去問(wèn)路呢？）畢竟，在人們眼里男人就是要堅(jiān)強(qiáng)，不能顯得悲傷、恐懼或者需要?jiǎng)e人的撫慰。相比之下，女人們受的教育則是：感情脆弱也無(wú)妨。
"女人們可以去找她們的朋友談心，問(wèn)他們，'他愛(ài)我嗎？你怎么想？'"加利福尼亞州惠特學(xué)院（Whittier College）的心理學(xué)教授查爾斯？T.希爾（Charles T. Hill）表示，"如果男人們也去找他們的朋友，問(wèn)他們，'你覺(jué)得她愛(ài)我嗎？'朋友們會(huì)告訴他要理智一些。"
男人們保持緘默的原因還可能是為了保護(hù)他們的妻子或者其他心愛(ài)的人。他們會(huì)擔(dān)心自己的好朋友們不夠敏感、說(shuō)三道四或者因此會(huì)瞧不起他們的伴侶。他們可能也不希望自己的情緒緊張起來(lái)，因?yàn)槟菢右粊?lái)，他們會(huì)很難放松。
或者，像我的一位男性朋友說(shuō)的那樣："男人們跟自己都不會(huì)談起自己的感情，更不用說(shuō)別的男人了。他們總是會(huì)對(duì)一些事情感到內(nèi)疚，即使它只是腦海中一閃而過(guò)的一個(gè)壞主意或者是一次調(diào)情，所以為什么要如此近距離地審視呢？"
這一問(wèn)題也可以從生物學(xué)的角度找到答案。加州大學(xué)洛杉磯分校（University of California, Los Angeles）的科學(xué)家們已經(jīng)證明，女性在面臨壓力時(shí)會(huì)釋放一種名為"催產(chǎn)素"的荷爾蒙。它能夠幫助舒緩情緒，還可以促進(jìn)女性和孩子及其他人之間的社交活動(dòng)，而雌激素會(huì)強(qiáng)化這種荷爾蒙的作用。（男性在面臨壓力時(shí)也會(huì)釋放這種荷爾蒙，但是男性荷爾蒙會(huì)將它的效用抑制到最小。）
無(wú)需什么科學(xué)研究，女人們就可以確定通過(guò)和別人的傾訴自己遇到的問(wèn)題，她們能讓自己感覺(jué)好起來(lái)。當(dāng)然，傾訴或許能幫助女性釋放更多的"催產(chǎn)素".不過(guò)，女性還知道，她們同時(shí)也會(huì)得到別人的安慰、找到可能的解決辦法，甚至是認(rèn)清現(xiàn)實(shí)。
當(dāng)瑪麗娜？卡門（Marina Kamen）跟結(jié)婚26年的丈夫發(fā)生爭(zhēng)執(zhí)的時(shí)候，她會(huì)上網(wǎng)和Facebook上的好友暢談一番，有時(shí)候甚至?xí)鸵粋�(gè)職業(yè)女性網(wǎng)站上碰到的陌生人傾訴。她相信這么做可以防止?fàn)幊成?jí)，也能讓自己客觀地看待自己的生活�？ㄩT今年50歲，居住在紐約。
"許多單身女性都告訴我，'現(xiàn)在丈夫可不好找。你覺(jué)得你會(huì)找到更好的人嗎'?"卡門說(shuō)�？ㄩT和丈夫一起開(kāi)了一家制作健身錄音和健身音樂(lè)的公司。"然后我們就會(huì)談起我的丈夫到底是什么樣的人，以及他所有的優(yōu)點(diǎn)。"
她的丈夫名叫羅伊（Roy）,今年56歲。羅伊說(shuō)他不愿和朋友們談及他的婚姻。"這是男人的特點(diǎn)，"他說(shuō)。
羅伊不是個(gè)例。在很多情況下，等到男人們因?yàn)楦星閱?wèn)題尋求朋友的支持或者建議時(shí)，一切都太晚了。"男人們只有在走投無(wú)路的時(shí)候才會(huì)吐露心聲，"加州圣拉斐爾市（San Rafael）的臨床醫(yī)師蘇珊？皮斯？加多（Susan Pease Gadoua）表示。因?yàn)闆](méi)有更早敞開(kāi)心扉，他們錯(cuò)過(guò)了獲得支持的機(jī)會(huì)──或者是過(guò)來(lái)人的一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)安慰。
今年48歲的朱利葉斯？納吉（Julius Nagy）是五個(gè)孩子的父親，正在辦理離婚。他說(shuō)結(jié)婚16年來(lái)他很少和朋友談起家里經(jīng)濟(jì)上的問(wèn)題，一是為了看上去顯得堅(jiān)強(qiáng)，二來(lái)也是為了避免沖突。納吉說(shuō)，因?yàn)樗炎约旱母星橥耆胤忾]了起來(lái)，結(jié)果經(jīng)常導(dǎo)致和妻子大吵大鬧，這只會(huì)讓他們的問(wèn)題變得更加惡化。
"我們的婚姻最終破裂的一大原因就是我把我們的問(wèn)題掩蓋了起來(lái)，"納吉說(shuō)。他居住在北卡羅來(lái)納州的溫斯頓-莎倫市（Winston-Salem）,以前曾是床上用品行業(yè)的一名產(chǎn)品開(kāi)發(fā)人員。我們沒(méi)能聯(lián)系到他的妻子置評(píng)。
結(jié)婚24年的托尼？戴伊（Tony Dye）遇到婚姻問(wèn)題已經(jīng)有幾年的時(shí)間了，但是直到最近──眼下他就要離婚了──他才開(kāi)始告訴朋友們事情的真相：他有外遇。
"我想，早點(diǎn)兒把我生活中的情況告訴朋友，并且得到他們的一些反饋可能會(huì)有所幫助，"戴伊說(shuō)。戴伊今年54歲，是亞特蘭大的一名信息技術(shù)咨詢師。"就因?yàn)檫@份感情，去年我的一些朋友非常熱心地敲打了我，他們說(shuō)，'托尼，你不能和她有什么聯(lián)系。你需要和你的妻子一起解決問(wèn)題。'"我們未能聯(lián)系到戴伊的妻子置評(píng)。
如果你向別人尋求幫助的話，那么一定要對(duì)求助的對(duì)象慎重選擇。如果你說(shuō)得太多，那么你的話或許會(huì)帶來(lái)后患。
家住美國(guó)中西部的金伯利（Kimberly）的情況就是如此。這位42歲的母親要求我們不要透露她的全名。去年，當(dāng)她的婚姻陷入危機(jī)時(shí)，她向能找到的所有人抱怨：她的媽媽、朋友、同事、保姆、丈夫最好的朋友，以及兩家廣播電臺(tái)。
她說(shuō)，別人的關(guān)注讓她在當(dāng)時(shí)感覺(jué)輕松了很多。不過(guò)，雖然現(xiàn)在她和丈夫解決了從前的問(wèn)題，新問(wèn)題又來(lái)了：她當(dāng)時(shí)的一些傾訴對(duì)象開(kāi)始排斥她的丈夫。
"這感覺(jué)很別扭，"金伯利說(shuō)。"直到現(xiàn)在，他跟我的家人在一起時(shí)都會(huì)感覺(jué)不自在。"
然而，因?yàn)橐粔K兒洗碗布而和另一半發(fā)生爭(zhēng)吵的簡(jiǎn)？威爾科克斯卻在想自己是不是傾訴得太少了。當(dāng)她的男友和朋友談?wù)撃ν熊嚈C(jī)油到底是合成的好還是天然的好時(shí)，她給她的一位女性朋友打了電話，分析了她和男友爭(zhēng)吵的每一個(gè)細(xì)節(jié)。"他們二十分鐘說(shuō)完的話，我們花了兩個(gè)小時(shí)，"威爾科克斯說(shuō)。我們未能聯(lián)系到她的男友置評(píng)。
第二天一早，她的男友在廚房里看到她，給她遞過(guò)來(lái)一杯咖啡。"問(wèn)題結(jié)束了，脾氣發(fā)完了，沒(méi)有道歉，也不必多言，就像什么事都沒(méi)有發(fā)生過(guò)一樣，"她說(shuō)。
"但是，他真的把摩托車的機(jī)油換成了合成的，現(xiàn)在開(kāi)起來(lái)順暢多了。"
